My mother was making dinner

She told me to go across the hall

To get some sugar

for the kool-aid

I knocked on my neighbor’s door

He invited me in

He was 15,

I was 6

And he had a gun aimed at my heart

He shot it

But he missed

But then he shot it again

And I took the second one like a champ

Then He shot it again

And it hit my spine

The very thing that I stood on

And I fell

He hovered over me and said,

“Big girls don’t tell”.

Pride, lust, unforgiveness, and greed surrounded me and said, “Get up!”

I said, “I can’t…”

They said, “Get up!”

And I crawled away wounded.

Only to relive it again, when I was 13

He was going on 30

He invited me into his office

And he had a gun aimed at my heart

He shot it

But he missed

But then he shot it again

And I took the second one like a champ, like I did when I was 6

Then he shot it again

It enter the hollowness of my stomach

And I was no longer hungry for forgiveness.

And I fell

He hovered hover me and said,

“No one will believe you if you tell”.

Pride, lust, unforgiveness, and greed surrounded me and said, “Get up!”.

I said, “I can’t…”

They said, “Get up!”

I walked away wounded.

Only to find myself at 25

Living with those four bullets inside.

As gunpowder and residue collide

Eroding from the inside out.

Causing the little girl and teenager to scream and shout!

With no one to hear

Not knowing where to run

So I build my own walls from remnants of guns

Guarded by vicious dogs

Who trust no one

I don’t know what those four bullets are for you.

Maybe it was a father that left too soon

A mother that didn’t love you like she was designed to

Maybe it was the time you turned your womb into a tomb, repented, and don’t believe

that God forgave you

Looking for worth by throwing it up in the toilet

Seeking for truth only finding yourself indoctrinated

Climbing into an addiction that it promised freedom to only find yourself sedated

Broken from the man that didn’t fulfill you

Or the woman that didn’t sustain you

Believing they were the means to salvation

But for me….it was the time when a man tried to make a woman out of me at 6 and 13

The remnants of gunfire are heavy

I know His burden is light

But I want to hold onto mines

Forgiveness is knocking on my walls

I hear my Abba call

So I finally call off the dogs

Let down those gates

Step outside those walls

Dirt all over my face

Dark circles around my eyes

Ragged clothes

With my wounds barely covered, still bleeding

As my lips trembling to the point of pleading

Tears running down my face

With His courage I say

Calmly,

Pure,

And true

Forgive us Father…

Forgive us…

Forgive us Father…

For we know not what we do